Since I last wrote, a whole lot has changed for me. My brother did contact me, and we talked at length about what I read, where I was at in life, and stuff like that. One of the things we talked about is getting myself to the point of forgiving my mother. I have forgiven others that hurt me, but I have struggled in forgiving her. Why? Because there is nothing more that a woman wants than a strong bond with her mother, and she robbed me of that. I opened up to my pastor as well, to not only get his advice, but to let him know to be praying for me and my family.
Not only did I get in contact with my brother but a few other family members as well, and my other family members were not completely aware of the deeds that were done to us kids...and they are angry and hurt. But, I have to get to the point of forgiving her, as do the rest of my family members. I know that the anger and hatred I carry only hurts me....not her. Forgiveness does not mean that I have to have a relationship with her, but it releases me from the burden. She will have to one day answer for what she has done, but I am not her judge. I can not change the past, so why dwell on it? God knows what she has done....and He will take care of her.
In some ways I pity my mother. Why, you may ask. Because she has robbed herself of the joys of being around her grandbabies....none of my siblings want their children around this beast. She has robbed herself of having the support of family.....none of her family wants anything to do with her.....she has never own a home in 63 years.....she is isolated because of the actions she has done. Yes, she may have had a difficult childhood, but so did I. I have strived hard to gain my sanity.....she could have too....there is plenty of mental help available out there. I refuse to have a relationship with this woman until she is willing to admit she needs the help, and gets the help she needs.
God does allow for healing in our lives, and it is by no accident that I stumbled upon my brothers blog. I have put limits on God, but God has shown me he is limitless. I do not know what God has planned for me and my family, and do not know if my family will ever be whole, but at least I have the start of something.